Custody, care and control – undoubtedly one of the priorities, if not the first, in divorce. The battle for the children is sometimes not just between the parents but even grandparents get involved (perhaps not directly in the divorce proceedings but in the background).

Custody, care and control – what creatures are these? Are they the same thing? The short answer is, they are not. How these three C’s differ from one another? Let’s butcher and dissect these.

In a nutshell, and in the most layman term possible, custody is whatever the care and control arrangement is, that both parents will continue to play their part in the child’s life. For example, which school the child enrols in, his religion, and the like. As both parents play different roles in the child’s life, it is undeniably essential that both parents continue to carry out their roles after the divorce.

Care and control is simply with which parent the child lives after the divorce. The parent with whom the child lives will be responsible of his daily needs, care and day to day decisions. There is also joint care and control whereby the child lives with both parents. For example, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday with the mother and Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday with the father.

Divorce is one of the most difficult periods to go through for both husband and but children are not spared too. In fact, they may be the ones suffering the most from the effects or impact of the divorce simply because of their inability to understand.

“Why is papa no longer living with us?” “Why are papa and mama fighting so much?” “Are papa and mama unhappy about me?” “Was I naughty? Did I do something to make them fight?”

These are just some of the common questions children ask they observed their parent’s bitterness towards each other. And often times, they have no or they do not know of any outlet to have their questions answered or their emotions explained and settled. More often than not, you and your spouse become so emotionally charged that these emotions cloud the mind, hindering both parties to make sensible, reasonable decisions. In your quest to fight for custody, care and control, parties tend to forget or not consider the child’s feelings and needs. Even if you did, it would likely be more selfish decisions rather than for the best interests and welfare of the child, and especially when grandparents or other relatives come into the picture. Indeed, emotions can overrule everyone.

So now, the burning question in your mind – so who is likely to get custody, care and control?

As a very general position, normally a young child (infants, toddlers), care and control go to the mother for obvious reasons. And for custody, no matter how old the child is, custody is joint unless you and your spouse agree otherwise. Even so, the courts in Singapore frown upon such arrangements because the courts’ utmost priority is the welfare of the child. Or, the courts decide so on the merits and circumstances of the case considering the best interests and welfare of the child.

With older children, the general position is that the mother gets care and control. Fathers, do not despair. You too could potentially have care and control, and this is through joint care and control or that the courts deem the mother unsuitable or incapable of bringing up the child in a manner best for the child. But, again, before you embark on fighting for care and control, put your child’s best interests and welfare at first priority.

As a closing note, here’s a point to ponder – You, as a parent, may fight to the bitter end for their children. But who is the real sufferer?

Let me and my team properly guide you on this.